blast from the past

HEAVEN

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
That's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

Oh once in your life you find someoneWho will turn your world aroundPick you up when you're feeling downNow nothing can change what you mean to me
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so longFor something to arriveFor love to come alongNow our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

old emails 01

i was going through my old emails ... saw this email from ate kaye. made me cry. i really miss my cousins. really really miss them. but alas, all i can do is talk to them online ... well, better than nothing.

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naku eto ok naman..sad parin shmpre noh..lalo na seeing the kids na malungkot.. trisha would always say na ..ate kaye pag 10 yrs old na ko babalik na sila ate ninna ..then gabby nmn would say na, ako dapat top1 para babalik na si ate.. so ayun, minsan naiiyak tlga ko kc nakakalungkot tlga.. kya nga we plan to bring the kids out for a swimming kht sa club filipino lang para mdyo malibang libang nmn sila... sbi nga ni daddy dapat libangin sila para di sila mashdo maging emotional. kaya ayun..

hay lam mo ba minsan itetext pa kita using ur globe numner.. wala lang ..ang weird tapos bigla ko maiisip ..tang-ina wala ka na pla dito..so ayun, sadness sets in..

pero fuck, ang hirap ng set-up noh lalo na we grew up together..tayo nila jude and other cousins and ang dami na rin kasi nating pinagdaanan..pati sina gabby mula baby at mula pagkapanganak eh tayo na ang kasama.. shiyet kakalungkot.

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oh well ... life. i'm just looking forward to the time i'm gonna be with them again.

parents and kids

my mom and i chatted for like half an hour. it was good. we sorta debated on a topic that affects a person in his early years ... parents being nosy about their kids' day/night. though our parents' intentions are pure and good, it still doesn't change the fact that us children (well, we are our parents' child no matter how old we are) don't like our privacy to be invaded. it's good to ask your kid bout his day but hell .. don't force your kid to tell you every single thing, that's just wrong. anyway ... here's a monologue thingy.

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thoughts of a parent: my child, i love you and i want to make sure that nothing bad happens to you. i've been through a lot ... i don't want you to commit the same mistakes i did. i wanna know what's happening to you so i can guide you ... i don't want you to go astray. don't think that i don't understand what you're going through, because everytime you are in pain ... i experience twice what you're feeling. i want nothing less than the best for you. i will forever be at your side even if you think you don't need me. your happiness is the most important thing for me. i will do anything to make sure you don't suffer, i'd even die for you. don't be scared to come to me for i will never tell you to do something that will harm you. trust me, i love you.

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thoughts of a child: i am old enough to make my own decisions. let me commit mistakes coz i know i'll learn from everything that will happen to me. i know you love me very much that's why you are concerned but please give me space. don't force me to do things because you would've done if you were my age. guide me, don't push me. there are times i want to talk to you but you don't listen. all you do is get mad and give me sermon or endless numbers of life lessons. that's why i'd rather talk to my friends or just keep it all bottled up inside me. please don't think that i don't need you, because i do. i still get scared when facing the world ... just hold my hand. knowing you are there for me makes all the difference in the world. i love you mom and dad, don't ever think that i never notice and appreciate what you've done for me. if not for you, i am nothing. though it may not seem like it, but i feel bad when i shout at you, hide things from you, or disappoint you in some way. believe me, i'm trying my best to please you. be patient with me, i love you.

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well ... i also wanna say ... i love you mama!! i love you so much! i appreciate everything you do for me!!

---

a tagalog song that captures it all

an english song that captures it all

marc's graduation

a while ago, i attended my first ever graduation in new york (actually, first for US). marc ... my lil bro here in new york, just officially finished one chapter of his life ... high school. upon seeng them in their blue toga/gown from afar, i recalled my own high school graduation. which made my mind wander for some time. anyway, i always had my camera ready to take pictures. of course, i took a picture as he walked (sorta) in front of us. he waved and smiled ... seeing him smile made me smile.



while he was sittin and listenin to the speakers for the ceremony, i found myself staring at him as memories from my own high school stream back to me. not of the excruciatingly long graduation ceremony (which by the way lasted for like 3-4 hours) but of the good times, great friends, petty stupid fights, amazing teachers, etc. high school was indeed a blast.



i like some of the stuff that the speakers said so i took it down through my cellphone (of course! fast texting pays off!) i may have not taken most of it verbatim but i got the essence.

• Do well enough and you will not be ignored.
• Celebrate diversity, tolerate differences.
• Don't go where the path leads, go where there's none and leave a trail. the 5 marks to leave on the trail are as follows:
  - Compassion
  - Knowledge
  - Passion
  - Integrity
  - Reputation

now that marc's done with all that high school stuff, he's moving on to a bigger and more challenging chapter, college. hehe. oooh college ... those were some great years for me. oh well, i hope everything turns out great for marc, he deserves the best. well, marc ... good luck with college! i'll be here to be your big sis anytime you need me!

the rest of my life ...

oh my god ... i just realized ... what i'm doing is so "video-ish" like. i'm listenin to "rest of my life" by Xscape as i was staring at the rain outside. haha. nuthin' just felt like writin' bout it! anyway, here's the lyrics of the song!

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Suddenly, it happened so fast
I couldn't believe the news that I received
My heart stopped as I hit the floor
I fell to my knees cryin', "Lord, help me"

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through
In life there's some things
We just can't prepare for

I don't care what they say
Don't care what they do
I don't care what they think
Gonna love you for the rest of my life

Don't they know
True love never dies
I promise to love you
For the rest of my life

Life goes on, that's what they say
Time will heal all your pain away
But I feel, feel so alone and
Now you're gone, how can I live on

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through
In life there's some things
That we just can't prepare for

I don't care what they say
Don't care what they do (What they do)
I don't care what they think (Some times I love you)
Gonna love you for the rest of my life (Yeah)

Don't they know (True love)
True love never dies (It never, never, never, never dies)
I promise to love you (Gonna love you, gonna love you)
For the rest of my life (For the rest of my life, ooh)

Until I see you again
I'll hold on to sweet memories, yeah
I'll treasure the times we spent
I see your eyes, you realize
I see your face, I see your smile
Callin' out my name

I don't care what they say
Don't care what they do (What they do)
I don't care what they think (I'm gonna love you, I'm
gonna love you)
Gonna love you for the rest of my life (For the rest
of my life)

Don't they know (True love)
True love never dies (Never dies, no)
I promise to love you (Gonna love you)
For the rest of my life (For the rest of my life)

What they say
What they do (I don't care, baby)
What they think (I'm gonna love you, I'm gonna love
you)
Gonna love you for the rest of my life

I don't care what they say, I don't care what they do
What they think
'Cause I promise (I promise)
To love you for the rest of my life
For the rest of my life

palisades

the three of us (ako, marc n keith) went to palisades (a mall) this afternoon. the mall was nice. spacious. haha. well, we went around ... i wanted to familiarize myself with the prices of stuff so i'd have an idea on what stuff to buy when i get a job (which by the way i'll be starting on monday! hooray!) so anyway, we went in this candy store. you know why? to torture ourselves. i'm trying to control the food i eat. and i'm proud to say, i didn't buy candy!! woopee!! *pat on the back for me*

then we also went to the apple store ... marc wanted to have his broken ipod fixed. fortunately it cannot be fixed, (you read it right, FORTUNATELY) so they gave him a new one instead! cool huh? and what's cooler is ... he gave it to me!! i now have an ipod!! hooray!! thanks again marc! *MuWaH*MuWaH* hehe. all in all, this was a good day.

ninna ... call home (e.t. isdatchu? joke.)

talked to my family last sunday. i didn't think i'd cry upon hearing my uncle's voice, but i did! well, i pretty much cried upon hearing everyone's voice. and while i was talking to them ... we also had the webcam on ... they can see me cry. i can see them one by one. haay. when i talked to my lola, my gosh ... we were both crying like crazy. then my cousin told me not to cry and be strong so that mommy (that's what we call my lola/grandma) could draw strength from our family. my my my. hard times. i also heard my mom crying. i really miss my cousins. all of 'em. i miss pinchin and pag nanggigigil me with my lil cousins (joanna, katle, mabby, kathy boom, irish ... well .. they're not lil anymore but still younger).

i wish things would be better. thanks to those who has been emailing me and telling me everythin' will be alright. i really really appreciate it.

june 18 ... la lang.

haaay ... i've been crying the whole morning. i wish i'm in the philippines with my family. spend quality time with them. if only i could turn back the hands of time, i would've spent more time with my family instead of goin' out ... drinkin' & dancin'. haay. talagang ... "nasa huli ang pagsisisi". damn. i would've done things differently. family should always come first ... over everyone else. my family is the most important ... tried and tested ... they're always here for me (not physically though). but they are always available. they never turned their back on me. i love them so much.

so ... anyway, it's night already. i'll be callin my family in an hour or two to talk to everyone. they're gonna have a gathering at my house (in pinas). haaay ... i can already see me crying my eyes out later. hohum. oh well, life.

i'm an ingrate ... kill me now.

22 years and 1 month ... i've been with 2 remarkable people, my grandparents. my whole life was spent with them by my side. my lolo and lola really took care of me and my 2 brothers.

my lolo helped me when i was in elementary, he was my tutor. (which at that time i hated coz he was so strict, but now ... i'm so thankful) it was because of my lolo that i love math. he showed me how to do things easier. also, he ws the one who picked me up from school before. i can still remember, i become grouchy when he's not there when i come out from school.

my lola took care of our health. she made sure we eat healthy food, but being the bad kids we were, we sneak and eat junkfood. whenever we crave for something, next thing we know ... she's serving it for dinner. my lola never fails to put the stuff we want in the fridge. she really looked out for us. she would often defend me when my mom or my lolo is scolding me. she was my forever saviour.

they're the ones who often go to the market and buy the food to be cooked for the week. often, they're also the ones cleaning up after a meal. though they're old already, my grandparents still do some laundry (with the washing machine of course). oftentimes, when i stay out late, i'd find them waiting for me when i get home. then they're gonna tell me that they waited for me coz they were worried about me. when i'm sick, they'd go up to my room even if they're really having a hard time going up and down the stairs. they'd still check up on me, bring me food and medicine for me to get well.

until recently, i didn't realize how disappointingly ingrateful i am for everything they've done. i took for granted the goodness they've done for me. i stayed out late and wouldn't tell them where i'm going or what time i'll be home. i got them worried all the time. i don't usually help out around the house since i'm rarely home.

now, my lola is sick. she has cyst in her liver. my mom and her siblings will be discussing if she should be operated or not. my lola doesn't want to be operated coz she says she's too old for that and the operation might just put her in a coma. btw, she is 78 already. after my mom, her siblings and spouses discuss it, they're gonna talk to my lola.

i feel really bad, i'm not with them. at least give some sort of moral support. i'm here in new york, they're all in manila. i feel so worthless being so far away. i can't even show them now how i much i appreciate them. i don't have the chance to show them that i really really really love them and care for them.

great weekend

i just got home from massachusetts. i enjoyed the trip! well, the reason we (tita nimia, marc and keith) went there was for marc's orientation. his school is like a town ... it had its own powerplant (i think), own barbershop, own bar, own travel agency ... as in the school was huge. massively huge.

well, while the whole orientation was going on, we went around. i saw this stroller for babies (or kids). then there as small bag behind it with a sign "DO NOT PUT YOUR CHILD IN THE BAG" ... well it said sometahin' to that effect. anyway, point is ... who the hell is stupid enough to put their kid in a bag?? hellur!!

other than the stupidity of some ... i do admire the courtesy they have for pedestrians. coz we were waiting on one side of the street, then the car really slowed down and signalled for us to cross. wow ... amazing. if that were in pinas ... my gash ... we would still be at that side until the sun rises again. bwahaha.

another thing that brought joy to my life ... emails!! i love getting personal emails ... telling me bout stuff that's been happenin. makes me feel that i'm still indeed part of your lives! hehe. thanks by for the email! that meant a whole lot!! and a special thanks also to my brother. he opened up to me and i really feel like a big sister. i love being a big sister (not talking bout the size people). i love being able to help people in some way. heehee.

all in all ... i'd day ... this was a great weekend.

this sucks

still don't have a job ... still don't have my own place ... and my grandma is sick. the doctor found cyst in her kidney and liver. there's no definite diagnosis and cure yet. they'll finalize the finding tomorrow. another thing i hate, i'm not in the Philippines with my family. i know i can't do much to help them but i still wanna be there for them. shiet, i don't know what i would do if my grandma ... well, you know. shiet. i'm crying just by the mere thought of it.

my first june 5th in the US

i woke up ... took a bath ... wore a red shirt ... went to the Filipino Parade. amazing, i didn't think they celebrated independence day here in NY. FYI: the reason they celebrated it june 5 was because the real independence date was already used by Puerto Ricans for their celebration. nauna sila so the pinoys here had to settle for the 5th of june. (yan ang intindi ko sa explanation sa akin) so there. anyway, there were people wearing filipiniana. there were even people wearing our costume back in 3rd year high school ... the one where we danced with palayok. pero may daya ung dito ... they glued the palayok to the dikin (the round thing that is placed on the head and where the palayok is placed in). ahehe. but really, aliw ako with the whole thing. it's amazing what unity can do. kaaliw talaga.

after the parade, lotsa food. ahaha. we also bought dvds ... i bought one of my faves ... my sassy girl. and as expected, i cried like a baby again when i watched it. grabe, i love the movie talaga. one message that the movie has is ... "if kayo talaga, kayo talaga". even if they were through hell and back ... okay, i'm exagerating ... but really, their relationship wasn't all fun and games. they had a hard time coz of their set-up and their past ... but they still ended up together. that's the thing, if you're really meant for each other, fate will always find a way to bring the the two of you together. no matter what you go through at the time you're not together, fate will bring you closer ... destiny will be fulfilled. o diba! hehe.

anyway, all in all, this was a good day.

to be 7 years old

i wish i'm a kid again. i wanna be 7 years old again. i had nothing to worry about back then but school and house chores. i just have to make sure i wake up on time, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, ride the service to school, be polite to my teachers, stay awake and absorb as much in class, play til the service picks me up to bring me back home, do my homework, watch a little tv, do my chores. that's it. no other worries. oh yeah, i worry bout the show on tv if i'll be able to catch it after i play outside. that was about it.

back then, i was so eager to grow up and be able to graduate college and be able to do my own thing, have my own money, go out ... see the world.

now that i've grown up ... i wish i hadn't. now at 22, i worry about finding a job, getting along with strangers, finding my own place, getting my own car, paying taxes, making my parents satisfied with what's goin on in my life, relationships (the cycle of it ... starting one, keeping one, trying to save one, getting over one, moving on to another one)

i wish i was a 7 year old again. worried with simpler things. happy with simpler things.