The Fog

i had sorta high expectations for the fog ... bad thing to have.

the start was ok, then when they showed tom welling, i said to myself ... this is gonna be a great movie!! they way the story was built up is great. they sure know how to make build a story and make it go to it's climax. unfortunately, they don't know how to end a movie.

THE ENDING SUCKS!!!

in the last few scenes, i said "if that's the ending, this movie is lousy!". then soon after i said that, the "conclusion" done by selma blair was going on. then the credits ... what the hell!! what kind of movie was that!! it would've been reall great if they had a better ending. tsk tsk.

i'm so fickle minded

a while ago, i was talking to my friend and i think if it's possible, she'd fly over here para lang batukan ako. hahaha. well, i know she loves me. same goes with people who have been with me all the way ... they never left me. they were always there to listen to me.

i just hope things will get better. i hope the decisions i make will be for the "best" of all.

good ... bad ... balance

This morning while I was in the bus on my way to work, I realized that though I had a lot of hardships in my life, I should still consider myself lucky.

My grandma's passing gave me the chance to see most of my relatives coz they went to the wake and/or the funeral. Me being exiled to New York ... kidding ... my being here in New York has brought me far away from my family but at the same time helps me see things in a different way ... a better way. I THINK I've become more responsible and mature (well, that's what I think). Plus, I realized the value of my family more than ever.

I thought at first I'm gonna die here (or have a reaaaaaally hard time) coz I don't know anyone, but I met a wonderful family who really takes care of me. Every morning, either Tita Nimia or Tito Rod would take me to the bus stop coz they don't want me to freeze walking in the cold plus it's dark at that time. Keith drives me around when I need to get something and always keeps me company. Marc has been like a little brother coz his age is actually in between that of my brothers; he actually makes me feel like a big sister when he talks to me ... makes me feel special & needed.

Though I don't earn a lot, at least I earn something. The job I have is with a good company so that counts for something, plus I think, I'm doing a good job. So at least, a little career growth there.

But still, there are some things that I'm really sad about ... my "LASTS". Here are some "last pictures"

New Year's Eve 2005 (last "complete" celebration coz I'm not there and my grandma's is not physically there as well)


New Year's Eve 2005 (I'm holding super strong "firecrackers" ... called "Sinturon ni Hudas" aka "Judas' Belt"


Christmas 2004 (pix with my cousins)


Puerto Galera March 2005 (I loved ALMOST every moment of last Galera)


My Birthday 2005



So all in all, I'd say, I'm still blessed. I've got a great family I was born into, a great family who sorta adopted me, an okay job, a "growing" mind/personality ... wow, I do have a lot to thank God for. =)

morning rant 10/25/05

A certain villain, let's call him "Lex" (hehe), said to a certain bestfriend who will be his enemy, let's call him "Clark", that you should take risks, act out of passion, and that you'll just know it when you're ready. But really, how will you know that you are indeed ready? Will there be some cosmic sign that will come before you and tell you "Hey! This is your time to fall in love! He is the one!"?

When I was in highschool, I've always thought that relationships are JUST all fun & happy ... I thought wrong. Back in college, I realized relationships are mixed with a LOT of effort, pain, not-so-happy moments, & sacrifice. I, then started to work and events when I started working sort of made me think that life is playing tricks on me. Just when I thought I have everything figured out, something would happen or I would do something, then *KABOOOOOOOM* everything goes out of place. Unfortunately once that happens, I have no idea how to fix it. What I usually want is for everyone else to feel better and all the pain just be on me since I started it. But nooooooo, it always ends up with everyone getting hurt ... everyone not talking ... me looking like a heartless b*tch.

That's sad, I don't want bad stuff to happen anymore.

---

FROM A FORWARDED EMAIL ...
"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise days without pain, Laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

"The measure for love is when you love without measure. In life, there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again."

whatever ....

Instructions:
Write 20 random things about you and tag as many people as the number of minutes you took in doing this.
start time: 2:47

1. i've been on "all sides of the coin" ... more or less
2. i love to go clubbing in the philippines with certain people
3. i love my carwash nights/days with my cousin
4. i love my family and their opinions/happiness would still prevail over mine
5. math is my favorite subject
6. i love filling out surveys coz it gives me something to do
7. i had an accident in a playground in the zoo near "circle" sa qc ... it ended up with me blacking out though i remember someone carrying me and laying me on the picnic table and making me small something to bring back full consciousness
8. on my first month of driving, i hit the side mirror of a parked car ... nabaliktad tuloy ung sidemirror niya, no permanent damage but it was funny!
9. i pray the rosary now before i sleep! though di ko natatapos coz i fall asleep lagi
10. i still "hangovers" from the past ... as in since highschool ... bwahahaha.
11. mas gusto ko magtagalog kaysa english... duh!
12. i feel sad coz di ako makapagmura ng tagalog dito coz di nila ko makaintindihan
13. i have a lot of patience but once you cross the line ... there's no coming back. i'll snap easily once you've pissed me off.
14. i love with my heart, not my head.
15. i wanna go back sa pilipinas.
16. i'm seriously considering going back to california.
17. when i hate someone ... it's for good. walang palitan. pwede ko makipagplastikan but for a short while lang coz i can't hide my emotions.
18. i wanna earn money and buy a property sa SPLENDIDO in tagaytay
19. namimiss ko lola ko, it'll be ok if she visits me ... in my dreams nga lang muna para subtle. then later on na ung while gising ako.
20. the songs same ground and sa kanya are stuck in me ... when i say me, i mean head, heart, mind, soul ... it pops in my head whatever man gawin ko or wherever i am.


end time: 3:04

since i did it in 17 mins, i'm gonna tag 17 people ... ate kaye, mabby l, kathy b, rosy, marky, zein a, kate r, melvin c, vinz, ivy o, keith p, raignne, hailie, chi c, ria m, linette b, nap c. (but if you wanna do it too, go ahead! just let me know so i can read it! hehe.)

** explanation why marami, i'm working while doing this so ... matagal! hehe.

in love vs. love

INLOVE ka ba or LOVE mo sya?

kala ko dati pareho lang ito...iba pala!! basahin para maliwanagan tayo...

It's definitely different when you love someone and when you're inlove with someone.

Explanation:

alin nga ba ang mas malalim?

Loving someone or Being in love with someone?

marami sa atin ang na-confuse tungkol dito.

Ikaw ba ay may girlfriend o boyfriend ngayon?

Mahal mo ba siya pero parang may isang tao na parang mahalaga din sayo.

o may mahal ka na akala mo eh mahal mo nga siya pero meron ka pa rin isang tao na minamahal ng totoo.

Kapag love mo ang isang tao masaya ka..
Feeling mo ok na ang lahat...

pero ang ma-inlove ka, ang siyang pinakamasakit sa lahat!

Kasi ang mga taong inlove ay ang mga taong ngsasakripisyo at ngpaparaya.

Teka bakit ka nga ba ngpaparaya?

Dahil ba hindi ka niya mahal o dahil hindi ka siguradong ok lang sa kanya?

Kung yan ang dahilan mo, walang duda na inlove ka nga sa kanya.
Kasi iniisip mo kung anong meron kayo sa ngayon ang tanging mahalaga at kontento ka na.

Pero isipin mo paano kung mawala ang taong yon at talagang hindi na kayo mag-usap at magkita, kaya mo ba?

Paano naman kung sayo siya inlove at ibinigay niya ang lahat para sayo pero hindi mo napahalagahan ang lahat ng ito kaagad!
Paano kung isang araw naguluhan na siya sayo ng husto at maisipang lumayo na lang?

Paano kung sa sobrang pagiging iba mo sa kanya di ka na niya kausapin at tuldukan na niya ng tuluyan kung ano na ang meron kayo?
Then bigla mong na realize kung gaano ka-importante sayo ang bawat isa kaya lang wala na siya!

Kaya mo ba?

Kung hindi ang sagot mo, malinaw na inlove ka nga...


Paano naman pag mahal mo lang..

kapag mahal mo lang,
alam mo na palagi kang may choice,
ayaw mo siyang mawala dahil alam mong wala kang ipapalit.
Yung masaya ka sa kanya pero sa gabi hindi naman siya ang iniisip mo.
Mahal mo siya pero aminado ka sa sarili mo na balang araw hindi siya ang pakakasalan mo. (ouch!)
Mahal mo siya pero ang puso mo hindi lang para sa kanya..
Mahal mo at masasaktan ka pagnawala siya pero alam mo na kaya mo yon.


Ngayon anong nararamdaman mo:

DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?
or
ARE YOU INLOVE WITH SOMEONE?


Isang araw magigising ka na lang na INLOVE ka na nga pero kahit anong gawin mo ay huli na.

Dahil maaaring yung taong INLOVE din sayo ay wala na pala.

Tandaan mo: Masyadong mapaglaro ang puso huwag tayo magpaloko!!!

We learn to love someone pero minsan lang dumating sa atin ang pagkakataong ma-inlove!!!

Kaya kapag dumating ito, ano ang gagawin mo?

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got this from a friend's blog *ehem*zein*ehem* kakaloka. it's really hard to determine if you're in love or you love someone. maaring you thought na in love ka, then biglang marealize mo, di pala. or the other way around na akala mo di mo sha love, biglang love mo pala then it will lead na gugulo na buhay mo. then there's that confusion kung love mo ba or in love ka ba or just in love with the idea na may kasama ka. so, which is which? esep esep! tang***** isip yan. if magisip too much, it could make you go nuts and suicidal! hohum.

what makes me sexy ... daw

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Hair
Special Talents Are	Giving The Rub Down
Quiz created with MemeGen!

my current song

Same Ground

My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would’ve
Wanted if until there was you.

Because i have learned that love is beyond
What human can imagine,
The more it clears
The more i have to let you go.

But now i don’t understand why im feeling
So bad now when i know it was my idea.
I could’ve just denied the truth and lied.
But why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?

My love because i have learned that love is a
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I never have to if all else fail

Would you be there to love me?
When all else fail,
Would you be brave to see right through me?

---

the song that's currently stuck in me. i tend to hear it wherever i go and while whatever i'm doing. daymn.

Get to know yourself better QUIZ

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

---

Hmm .. not all of these are true! haha.

the value of split ends (from zein the "guru")

i didn't know that hair condition can be compared to life sitution. hehe. zein (the guru) taught me a valuable lesson ...

"if mashadong mahaba ang hair, you will have split ends. in the end, baka makalbo ka"

interpretation namin ni zein (well, actually ... it's sorta all zein coz i didn't get it at first. she had to explain it to me pa) ... if you have split ends (several choices) and you keep on just growing it instead of cutting it off (letting go) para 1 strand of hair will be left, you might end up with no hair at all.

cool di ba? *bow* to zein!! the guru!

now that i'm back in the office, i'm gonna be a slave to the company again. harhar. i kinda feel flattered though. some of my officemates actually came up to me and gave me a hug/kiss. they said that they missed my smiling face. one of them actually said that i popped in her head while she was at home. she was wondering if i would ever come back coz she missed me. another thing that made me happy is i reached my quota for september!! hoorah!!! only 2 of us did it. so, i'm kinda happy bout it. but i don't think i'm gonna hit my target for october ... well, i'm crossing my fingers.

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my mind is a mess right now. i know what i should do but i don't know how to do it. i've hurt enough ... i've hurt them enough. i've cried enough ... they've cried enough. it's so true that it's easier to say what should be done when you're not in the situation, when you're not the one involved. but when you're in the situation, it's hard ... in fact i'm going crazy now. you can't just do what's "right" coz someone is bound to get more hurt than the others. so what you end up doing is the "lesser evil" which is still painful. shit, this sucks.

---

on another note, my cousins' grandmother (on the other side) will have a bypass operation on wednesday, so please pray for her. my grandfather will be confined to the hospital for 3 days ... he's going to have a general check up. they'll be running all sorts of tests on him. i hope he's going to be fine. also, my officemate's mom had a a stroke last october 9 and is still in the ICU, so please pray for her as well.

---

THIS HAS BEEN A CRAZY MONTH!!!!!

i'm back in new york

i've only been in new york for barely 5 hours but i wanna go back home (philippines) already. i'm already crying. i don't think there's anything in this world that can change my mind ... oh wait, there is ... if everyone i love lives here in the area with me, then i'd be happy.

on the plane, i didn't do anything but sleep and eat. i tried so hard not to think of my short visit coz it would surely make me cry. all my moments there was great. hmm, maybe there are not so great ones like the fight i had with my cousin (which unfortunately happened hours before we bid each other goodbye) and the night i lost my phone. but if given the chance though, i'd go through that over and over again just to have my moments with the people i love.

a while ago, i was reading ate kaye's blog and now i'm crying harder. she posted something about tricia removing all the tiredness from work just by a hug and a few words. i'm really gonna miss my family and the other people in my life who i can never live without.

i know where my heart is

during my almost 5 months of being alone in america ... i realized a lot, i missed a lot of people, and i wasn't able to do a lot of things. i'm not saying that it's all bad but like what they say "you'll never know what you have until you lose it (them)". so, yeah, i know what i took for granted when i was in the philippines 6 months ago.

my lola's condition (which lead to her death) gave me the chance to be in the philippines again. i've been in manila for 15 days already ... i am so sure that my heart is still with the people here. some filipinos say that once you've been to america, you won't want to live in the philippines again. in my case though, that is sooooooooooo not true. i still want to live here and spend my days with the people here. i love the people, culture, practices, beliefs, places ... everything. (ok, maybe there are some things that i don't super love but those things are totally overshadowed by the positive stuff). i've been doing things that i love doing before ... i know where my heart is ... with the philippines =)

bahagi ng buhay

may mga bagay na di mo na talaga mawawaglit sa isipan. kahit anong pilit mo, wala ka na talagang magagawa. kahit anong pigil mo sa sarili mong gawin ang bagay na iyon, di mo kaya. para na itong paghinga ... bahagi na ng buhay, pag tinanggal mo, mamamatay ka.

may mga tao rin sa buhay mo na kahit anong pilit mong kalimutan, di mo kaya. naging bahagi sila ng buhay mo. nasaktan ka man o napasaya, ikaw ay ikaw ngayon dahil sa kanila ... habang buhay mo nais makasama ang mga taong iyon sa kung ano mang paraang o sitwasyon na pwede. kahit bilang kaibigan o "kakilala" lang ... basta bahagi sha ng buhay mo, kuntento ka na.

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my current LSS:

Somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
will come to see
That you belong with me

goodbye mommy ...

since wednesday, we were preparing a powerpoint and video presentation for friday night. the powerpoint is a compilation of pictures since my grandma was a baby until she passed away. the video was interviews from different people including my lola. then, come friday ... my cousins and i set-up the laptop and projector and showed presented the powerpoint to people at the wake. i saw people crying upon seeing it. they said they missed mommy. then when i talked to joe (our psychic friend), she said that my lola also cried when she saw the presentation we made.
during the mass, i was already crying. the whole time, i was thinking that my lola is really really gone. the priest gave a great homily. i loved the way he infused comedy with something so serious. later on, i found out from joe who was videotaping everything that saturday, that my lola was there. she was standing near her body and was really glowing white. at the end of the ceremonies at the church, she was waving to everyone ... as if saying her final goodbye. then she sent flying kisses to everyone. joe cried when she saw that, and said that if only we could see that, we would've cried as well.

during the final ceremonies at the memorial park (cemetery) we had a lot of "rituals"/practices, for example ... releasing doves and butterflies. it was so cute that the butterflies that ate kaye, deius and i freed didn't fly away. some went to different relatives and some were just hovering over the casket. joe said that during this time, my lola was there and there were also "other beings" ... i think angels. they were also glowing white (and of course other usiserang souls). when we released the doves and baloons, the number of "other beings" increased and they were all clapping and rejoicing.


during the wake, my 3 yr old cousin nicole always says "di patay si lola, tutulog lang!" (lola is not dead, she's just sleeping). she would even get mad if someone says that my lola is dead. anyways, after the casket was sealed and lowered in the ground, we saw nicole standing 5 ft away from the casket. my aunt went near her and hugged her then we came near her. she was saying "wala na si lola" (lola is gone). her mom said that she realized it when the casket was closed, sealed and lowered. we took her from my aunt, and i sat her between me and ate kaye. we were telling her not to cry coz mommy is in her heart. i told her that lola is still with us watching over us but we just can't see her, she said "hindi, wala na lola ko. patay na." (no, my grandma is gone. she's dead) then while she's crying, she would call out "lola! lola!" but later on, when we got to the house, we asked her where our lola is. she would happily say "na kay jesus".


oh yeah, and also, when we got home. one of the butterflies we freed was also at home. it went home with my grandpa. cute, aint' it??

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by the way, thanks to all my friends who came to my grandma's wake. super thanks. i know that you really care. =)