holiday despair

i really miss my family. my ate kaye promised me that she will take a day off from work if i go back home so we could spend one whole day together. i wanna see my family so badly. i wish i could go home now. we were talking about the holiday get-togethers. i told her that i'm scared of christmas 2005 and new year 2006. this is the first time ever that i'm not gonna be with my family. here's how our holidays are spent ...

CHRISTMAS: the get together would usually be where my grandparents are. all their kids (all 6 siblings + spouses) will get together with the kids (my cousins). everyone would bring something to put on the "buffet table". the aunties would sit in one corner, either that or they'd be busy going to and from the kitchen to make sure the table would never be empty. the uncles would be in one corner, chatting & drinking. us "young adults" would be in one table chatting & drinking as well! the teenies of course have their own corner. then the kiddos just run around but we still make sure they're fine even if we are caught up in our conversations. my cousins would always make the conversations fun ... injecting simple & effortless yet "patok na patok" na mga hirit. we would all end up laughing our hearts out. then the time will come for the gift/aguinaldo (cash) giving. when we were kids, we would always form a line in front of our uncles and aunties and they gave us money. then at the end of the day, we'd count them and tally all the money we got from all our aunties .. and we went to enchated kingdom (that's the place to be back then!) but we got old-er ... only the little ones and the teens go line up. coz they say we already have a job so we can't fall in line anymore. hehe. i remember there was this one time that my grandpa, knelt in front of my grandma and asked for aguinaldo. hehe. that was cute! that happened christmas 2004

NEW YEAR: in the philippines, we welcome the january 1 with a bang! firecrackers!! so, starting around 8ish pm the night before, we light up the firecrackers. it was so fun coz we'd all light up something or blow horns or just make noise. the fun tradition that we have (though i don't know how this started) was wearing red shirts. then as the clock nears 12 midnight, we'd be jumping with coins in our pockets .... they say it's for goodluck (money-wise) then the jumping is so we'd get tall. hehe. then we'd go to our respective homes and have our noche buena (or was this what christmas eve meal was called?) then after that go to each other's homes to eat with my cousins. (we live in a compound so it's like a few seconds away) then come jan 1 itself. we'd have a bigger get together. it would be my grandparents plus their siblings and kids+spouses (my aunts & uncles) + grandkids (my cousins). my grandma i think has 5 siblings; my grandpa has 12. so, you can imagine how big our family is. we always have so much fun.

oh god, i'm sooooooooooo gonna miss those holidays. i don't know if i'd get through the holidays here in new york without my family. it's so hard. just thinking about it makes me cry. ate kaye and i were just talking about it. plus my grandma is sick right now so we don't even know if she'll last until christmas. damn it. life is hard. it never gets easier. we just get tougher so it seems easy. then a bigger challenge will come which will either make or break us.

i may seem calm & collected on the outside, but on the inside, i'm crying. only few people know how i really feel inside. i don't want to break down coz i can't afford to. i can't be weak. i wanna be strong for my family. i have to be. i need to.