crying in-out ...

my mom just told me that they all slept at like 2am coz my grandma was having a super bad cough. she couldn't breath last night. the nebulizer (in addition to the oxygen tank) was used to make her cough calm down. my grandma's older and younger sisters were always by her side. i envy everyone there coz they get to spend time with my grandmother in these crucial moments. i feel so bad for staying out all night before. i should've just spent it at home. oh God, i don't know if i can be strong enough if my lola ... goes away. i hate not having control over situations. i hate this. call me too idealistic if you want to, but i still believe that God has a reason. i still believe in that. i may not understand what ... i may get hurt ... i may cry ... but I know the people i love and loves me will always be with me (wherever i am physically) ... i won't be alone in dealing with things.